I have been stalking you for quite some time now.
My fingers have memorized each letter of your name out of habit.
I have picked up tiny bits and pieces of you as if those are clues and trails of your character.
And somehow, I feel like I already know you.
Just so you know, I have examined you carefully--
I hate being a girl sometimes.
During days when I’m trapped with too much feelings
Emotion after emotion swirling and swirling
Turning me into a disgusting, cowering, delicate, and fragile monster
I am in total surrender to every turn of my hormonal blend
I am a slave to this brutal switch that breaks from one mood to another
I am caught in the tides
I have lost control.
There is always a pattern
How x, y, z, and other variables, once upon a time, will pop into my life--
That familiar first look
The exchange of how are yous
Those carefully chosen words desiring to impress
That flirtatious gaze
The reciprocity of knowing
That unspeakable spark when the hand finds its way to my clasp for the first time— again.
I can still remember those sad eyes
and how I made it glitter for the first time
when I said that I listen to Bon Iver and that I am an INFJ
I can still remember those pursed lips
and how I made it pucker that time we met again
when you said “I forgot how beautiful you are.”
Alalahanin mo na sa umpisa pa lang,
Binigyan na kita ng babala:
Hindi ako ang taong karapat-dapat na ibigin mo,
dahil wala akong maisusukling pagmamahal sa’yo.
Hindi ako ang taong dapat asahan mo na gagamot sa iyong mga sugat,
dahil wala akong lugar para isilid ang iyong mga halimaw na emosyon.
Hindi ako ang taong dapat na isipin mong itatawid ka sa walang hanggan,
dahil wala akong pag-ako sa bukas, nabubuhay lang ako sa ngayon.
Binigyan na kita ng babala:
Sa pagitan ng mga dampi, kapit, tangan, kapa, saling, hawak, yakap, hagkan, yapos, hipo, haplos, halik, alak,
at sa mga gabing natatapos din sa mga gabing iyon.
Wala akong maiibigay sa’yo sa tuwing sisilip na ang liwanag.
Wala rin akong katiyakan na sa mga susunod na araw, gugustuhin pa rin kita.
I can still vividly remember that first day--
A Norah Jones song strumming in a nearby bar
How we both have grinning eyes as we watched fire dancers steal the show
That kiss that dissolved the taste of pale beer
The sound of kids laughing at two adults oblivious of passers-by
And how you stared at me with certainty
We will see each other over and over again.
I can still vividly remember that last day--
Alexi Murdoch playing on your speaker
How I cried for no reason
That trickle of your kiss that momentarily consoled me
The sound of last call for boarding
And how you gazed at me with finality
We will forever be apart.
Subtitle: Virtual Insanity
Pa-cute na ngiti
sa tuwing nandiriyan ka
(Mr. Crush is online),
kapag nasusulyapan ka
(Mr. Crush added a new photo),
Kilig sa kaloob-looban
sa bawat paramdam mo
(Mr. Crush wants to be friends on Facebook.
Mr. Crush liked your photo.
Mr. Crush commented on your photo.
Mr. Crush mentioned you on Facebook.
Mr. Crush commented on your post.
New message from Mr. Crush.),
Kirot sa puso
sa tunay na situwasyon
(Mr. Crush and I are Facebook friends.)
Ngunit isa, dalawang araw
Hanggang dalawang linggo lang ang pagitan
Ng nandirito at katahimikan.
Nasanay ako sa iyong walang katiyakan.
Naglaho ka man,
Alam kong susulpot kang muli--
Parang ibong makikisilong,
Na lilipad din sa tuwing titigil ang buhos ng ulan.
Basta alam kong magbilang--
Isa, dalawang araw
Hanggang dalawang linggo lang ang pagitan.
Babalik kang muli,
At magtatagpo ang ating landas.
Hindi ko kailangang tanungin,
Kung aagos kang muli sa aking piling,
Basta lagi’t laging ipapadpad ka rin ng alon kinaumagahan.
Ngunit paano kung lumipas lagpas--
Ang isa, dalawang araw
Hanggang dalawang linggo ng iyong katahimikan.
Susubukan ko pa bang maghintay, magbaka-sakali, magkunwari?
O uunawain na sa pagkakataong ito,
Ang katiyakan lang ang iyong kawalan--
Susulpot at mawawala rin.
Na ikaw: kabuti,
Nakikisilong lang tuwing tag-ulan.
Paano sa tag-araw, wala pa ring nakaliligtaan?
We had the perfect affair---
no feelings, drama, attachments, certainties
just passion, a couple of living in the moment anecdotes, and hot evening's desire for a subzero Ale.
There are no reassurances, no semblances of tomorrow,
just quiet spoken words of "I'm gonna see you again soon."
There are no dwellings of the past, background-checking and nitpicking,
just simple rendezvous of you and I.
There are no weigh-ins, where are yous, baggage claims,
just whispers, glances, and a constant day in and day out.
There are no clingy needs to be pleased, sweet nothings,
just natural conversations that come out spontaneously,
like an all-out straight-to-the-point "this is what it is."
We had this perfect affair---
Until little monsters of feelings set in,
Until demons suddenly become an appendage,
Until you become aware that for me, this is not really just what it is,
Until you can no longer stand the need after need of how are yous, or worse, i miss yous,
Until there's always a question of then, why, how, when, what or who?
Until I cannot draw the line between affairs and entanglements,
Until I misused bold words, too strong for you to hear,
Until you suddenly gone pooft and kaput.
We had the perfect affair--
Until I realized that there are no perfect affairs whatsoever,
just good ones, short good ones that need to be what it really was---
I grieve for the silence,
The lost words we left dangling on a seabed of emotions.
I grieve for the passive surrender,
The long wait for time to unweave the stillness.
I grieve for the bare touch of the dragon,
The hope after hope that soft caresses would restore everything.
I grieve for the barren thoughts that could have amputated all doubts,
The need for words that could have changed it all.
How your day was, what you were thinking,
How my tuxedo didn’t fit me, your take on the news,
Your foot was itching, you were sorry.
I grieve for the quietness that taught us how to sulk,
The assumptions that concretized between the unspoken.
I grieve for the long dinner table,
How we remembered how sumptuous it was despite the lack of exchange of words.
I grieve for the snaky roads that grew us a chair apart,
How thoughts became unheard, how we lost the meaning of the signs.
I grieve for the passivity of time,
I grieve for the running miles of distance,
I grieve for the loneliness enveloping our skies,
But mostly, I grieve for my pride’s
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